This month you will be forced to move to a shitty town in Washington state with your bum ass dad. You’ll go to the smallest school ever and totally be stalked by this homo with pale skin. He’ll tell you some bullshit story about how you’re special, and how he’s a vampire. Go for the tan one with the nice stomach instead!
Don’t go into the water today! Remember what happened to Ariel when she got wet? Well, there’s a reason you’re an aquarius, dude. You can wait a day to bathe.
you will learn absolutely nothing of use this month. including the information found on this horoscope. sorry dude.
You will soon regret that scorpion tattoo on your hip bone. Your bad for getting a friend to do it for free, cause it kinda looks like a vagina now you look at it in the mirror.
Today you will learn more about the French Revolution than you really wanted to.
you will eat a delicious surf and turf combo at a fancy restaurant sometime soon! It will only be after you are finished cleaning your plate that you realize you are a vegetarian who keeps kosher, and feel really guilty. You will then be forced to pay the bill, which will be much larger than you expected, but due to shame you will not contest it.
This year will be a hard one for you, beware of the number 5 and don’t lose your shoes! If you don’t then your baby will be born in a Wal-mart and you will end up stuck in some little town in the middle of no where.
(note: you may also be Natalie Portman)
This month your life will vaguely follow the plot of a Harry Potter movie. It is up to you to find out which one and stop the flow of events before you get to that crappy part in the end where you have to defeat Lord Voldemort once again. (He’s even a bigger douche in person.)
today you will take your time making a new dish, you will combine all of the spices and hope for the best. You try your hardest but when you taste it in the end it will be disgusting. You will eat it anyway and convince yourself you like it more than you really do.
Today you will find a pair of really funky shoes on sale, you will be excited. Soon afterward you will realize you own nothing that matches the shoes, but find you can’t return them because they were on sale. You will then buy a whole new outfit to match the shoes and spend too much money.
you will get laid today by asking an attractive person “what’s your sign?”.
*pound it*
note: this pick-up line will never work again after this.
Today you will find a red stone as you are walking through the forest. Pick up that red stone and bury it in the sand closest to you. In two years return to that spot and there will be a flower growing in full bloom. Take said flower and it will cure the illness of your first born son, and he will walk again.
